Vincents thoughts S02
by LadyCorven
Summary: My first try... I've read so much negative about Vincent. how he has changed this season. A lot of effort about Catherine, but no diggin into Vincents thoughts. Love Vincent...Changed the rating to T, I still don't know where it's heading, didn't even think I could present anything at all... just as anyone else, I love reviews :)
1. Chapter 1

Vincent…

Catherine shot me. She raised her gun and she shot me. No hesitation, she just fired her gun. I could only stare at her. I just couldn't comprehend it. Catherine shot me! ME!

How could she? What made her chose her deceiving father over me? He ruined my life. He brainwashed me, he stole all my memories, my life, our life, and he made me kill. Why would she choose his life over mine?

That was my primal reaction. I felt betrayed. Hurt. I ran away. To the only safe haven I knew. The houseboat. Yes, I was given that by her father. But he is in custody now, so it should be safe….

The bullit went through me. I'm bleeding a lot, I need to stop it. And then Tori came. God knows how she found the houseboat, I didn't think she'd remember the way there.

Tori is bad business to me. I don't understand what the connection is, but somehow I know that this is bad. I knew it at Catherine's father place, when I couldn't stop myself from letting Tori kiss me, although my human part tried to fight it.

But we also help each other. We amplify each other. I'm not too sure about Tori though. She does seem to have a lot of viciousness inside. Now that she is learning to know her beast, she is pretty overwhelmed with the addition the beast makes. I just need to teach her about the bad parts of it.

We can't just run around and kill people we don't like. At least I can't. I don't remember my past, but I'm pretty sure that I didn't appreciate my own actions…

But Tori seem eager to explore that path. I must somehow convince her that humanity is more important. That fighting the beast is the only way for us. Yes, we amplify each other, but we should use that power to do good. Not to rip people's hearts out. Or break their necks.

I'm actually happy that Catherine saved her father. He deserved to die, but how would she ever be able to let me into her life, after killing her father? That could never happen, and she is right, although I hate to admit it. If I let go to that side of me, then I'm no longer a human. I would become legal pray. A beast!


	2. Chapter 2

**I have rewritten this chapter. I was a little bit to quick, drunk writing, and missed a lot of thoughts. The setting is Vincent, lying on his bed, recovering from the shot, thinking back on what has happened, and how he has ended up where we are right now.**

So many things are running through my head right now. How did I end up in this mess? What kind of man am I, that forces the woman I love to shoot me? How could I let the beast take over so much?

All the things that have happened the last few days. My last mission, which was a setup to kill me. My handler, whom I trusted, tried to kill me. Meeting Tori, and learning about her effect on me. I don't know how to handle all this. I feel a lot of rage, but also a lot of sorrow, for what I have done to Catherine. She didn't deserve all this. Not from me, nor from her father.

All the things I can remember that lead up to this. They are whirling in my head. It was so easy, when I only had to focus on my mission. I was a soldier. I was ordered to kill certain opponents. I had a mission. To kill beasts.

And then Catherine entered the equation. She interrupted my showdown with Zhao. Telling me she never stopped looking for me. But I didn't recognize her. I thought that I had never seen that woman before. But man, she is really hot!

I did finish that mission. A little delayed, because I first had to save her life from the explosion, but I did it. And it gave me a satisfied feeling to have killed the man that made me a beast.

I had to abandon Catherine to do it. After we kissed. That kiss was so sweet. I can't remember anything better than that kiss. But it didn't trigger any memories. It made me sad. I wanted to remember. I wanted to believe her, when she told me we are destined. I wanted that so badly. And it felt so good to comfort her when she cried. I don't know why she started to cry, but all I wanted was to comfort her. And when she fell asleep, I left her, to finish my mission.

Then I learned that she was looking for me. Not that it would have made any difference. The memory of our kiss made me come to her place. I would have gone there, even if she hadn't been looking for me. I saw her get up on the rooftop, and then I followed her there.

It all went wrong. I didn't know her. I couldn't trust her, because I didn't remember her. My missions isn't really something you talk about to strangers. And she started to ask a lot of questions, so I had to bolt…. But I wanted to remember. She felt so important to me, like she had an influence to who I used to be. There is this strange pull between her and me. I don't understand it, but I think I like it. It feels warm, and caring.

I kidnapped her. I really don't understand my own actions when she is involved. Should anyone else stalk me, or try to track me down, I would kill them in an instant. But not Catherine. I couldn't bring myself to do that. I can't stop hearing her heartbeat. It fills me, and it's both pleasant and distracting.

It was nice talking about the past I can't remember. But I must have been a boring boyfriend. How can someone as beautiful as Catherine hook up with someone who can't even go out on a date?

And then we kissed. And that kiss was something else than the kiss at her place. Wow. So intense. I really don't understand how she can be so trusting. I haven't done her any good, and yet she kissed me, and even made love to me. And that was, well, how shall I put it, it was heaven. So intense, so warm, so satisfying. I feel warm inside just thinking about it. Oh, how I wish she was here right now, so I could make love to her again. But she will never come back to me. Not after what I did.

I tied her up again. After we made love, I had to tie her up. I had a mission, and it was dangerous. I didn't want Catherine to get hurt. Or interfere. But I'm starting to learn some things about her now. It's not that simple to keep her away. She does have a will of her own, and she sure can get things done! She came loose, and almost ruined my mission again. I was distracted by her heartbeat, and abandoned Gina. Gina almost got killed because of that. But I got back in time. In time to kill that beast. And Catherine saw me do it, but she didn't run away. Why isn't she afraid of the beast? She just looked extremely sad.

So what did I do? I hurt her. I physically hurt her! I went back to her place, and left a note on the door, and she came up tom me on the roof. And it was nice to start with. I don't understand the feelings she sparks in me, but it's mostly pleasant. But then she started questioning me again. Why can't she just leave that part alone? I can't talk about it. I felt cornered, and let the beast shove her away. And I don't remember regretting anything as bad as that. How can you ask anyone to forgive such a horrible action? I'm a beast. I don't deserve forgiveness!


	3. Chapter 3

Lying here thinking is hurtful. The things I've done. How I've hurt Catherine. No wonder she was afraid to loose me to the other side of me. And what am I doing? I tried to walk down that road. Letting the beast get the better of me. Out of revenge. What kind of animal have I turned in to? She was right, I'm losing myself to the beast. But I don't want to. Because that would mean no us. And I want us, but I doubt that Catherine will ever let me back into her life. My god, what was I thinking?

I got revenge on Bob though, even if I didn't kill him. I gave him one hell of a beating! That felt good. I still believe he deserves to die, but not by my hand. I wonder what will happen next? Will they be able to get him convicted for what he has done? And what crime will they charge him for? I'm still not sure that he won't get away with this. But I will have to let justice handle this. I can't kill him.

And what shall I do about Tori? It is an amazing feeling, when we work together. Feeling the extra power I get from her. But it is a dangerous path to take. It's not only my powers that amplifies. All of my beast amplifies, and that's why I've ended up, lying here on this bed, with a gunshot wound. That Catherine gave me. I never thought she could do that to me. I know she really didn't want to. But I was too stubborn. I thought I knew better. My hatred and want for revenge took the better of me.

And that hatred is so strong. And I think that Tori makes it stronger. She wants to be a beast. She doesn't mind killing. I don't like to kill, but sometimes it's necessary. But not like Tori wants it. She is like a stubborn child, that doesn't get her way. I must try to teach her to control that side. Otherwise she will end up a criminal, and very likely be killed for it. It might even end up with me having to kill her. And I don't want that. She is special. Not that I have any romantic feelings for her, my love for Catherine is far too strong, but Tori affects me, and I do believe I can help her on her way to controlling, and learning to live with her beast. If she will let me. I'm not convinced that she will listen to me. But I guess we will have to cross that bridge when we reach it.

My biggest concern is what to do. I must take control over my life. Over the beast. I have no more missions, so now it's time for me to think about myself. Learn to live a normal life. At least as normal as a manimal can have. I need to see JT. Talk to him. He is sensible. He might know what I should do. I'm sad that I don't remember him from my past. I can see why we were friends though. And why I trusted him with my secret. He might be a nerdy professor, but he is loyal.

But going to JT also means the risk of running into Gabe. I really don't like him. There is something about that man. And he tried to kill me once. Although I don't remember that. But I think he has feelings for Catherine. I sensed that after the reunion. He tried to pull her away from me. My Catherine. But she's not mine anymore…

And I might run into her as well. She and JT are also friends. And he is probably the most likely person for her to talk to about what has happened. He knows me better than anyone else. Or at least he used to know me. I'm not sure I even know me myself right know.

I feel like banging my head into the wall. Over and over. To stop these thoughts that are swirling in my head. I'm a mess. And the only person that would be able to comfort me, is the person that will never want to see me again. The person swirling around in my thoughts… I want to roar. A desperate hurtful roar. What have I done? How could I be so blind? Why didn't I listen to Catherine? Somehow that thought feels familiar. Wonder if I have thought about it before? Probably. What a jerk I am!


	4. Chapter 4

_**Thank you for your nice reviews **____** I really appreciate them. I will continue the story, from Vincents mind point of view. And as in real life, sometimes the thoughts jump around. They aren't always in a logical order. Whirling thoughts never are.**_

Women. I wonder if I will ever understand them…. I spoke to JT about women after I had my first memories of Catherine, and she had closed the window on me, and he said that women are sometimes hard to understand. But he at least has some references to other women, like his mother, and women he has met during his life. I only have the women I've met more than once the last couple of months. And I'm not sure, but somehow I think that these women aren't exactly average women. Catherine, Tori and Tess. I don't really know how to behave around any of them. So I fail of course. Fail big time. Hurting them, without intending to.

Well, maybe not with Tori, but she is a beast, we meet as beasts, not as man and woman. But she wants more. She wants me. I don't know if her human side wants me, but the beast definitely does. But I don't want her, not in any way. I love Catherine, no matter what has happened. And I think my beast loves her as well. It's the beast that can identify her heartbeat. I want to be a good friend to Tori, a mentor, who can help her get to terms with what she is. But I'm torn about Tori. I feel sorry for her, the situation she is in. But I don't like her wish to become one with the beast. Maybe she is too much like her father. Maybe she is more evil than good. She was born this way, even if she didn't know it. I think she grew up, without anyone noticing what she was. And then when she matured into a woman, her father's beast reacted to it, and that is what woke him up. A father will protect his daughter, and for Curt, with his dormant beast, that protection grew to horrible proportions. I think that is how he became the awful person he was during the last years of his life. But I'm sure he honestly loved Tori. It just took the humanity out of him.

And her maturity is also what is affecting my beast. It's primal, and hard to fight. I failed in Montauk, but now I have more control. Because I know about the danger. I saved her from her father because of that primal instinct. And that also made me rip his beating heart out of his chest. The beast savored that action. But my human side was shocked about that action. It felt so far away from what I thought about myself. So far from what I believed I am. And I understand why Catherine couln't get that thought out of her head. I did feel a little hurt though when she pulled away like that. I would have thought that I could turn her on so much that she forgot about the rest of the world. Giving in to my desire. But I guess I couldn't…

But she is an amazing woman. My Catherine. Yes, I know she isn't mine anymore, I have no right to claim her after the awful things I have done to her, but to me she will always be the love of my life.

Like when she actually accepted that I brought Tori to her house after the explosion. What a jerk of a man would take the woman he kissed, in front of his girlfriend to his girlfriend's house? Obviously this jerk. And she accepted that. And I guess my instinct told me that she would do so. I could have taken Tori to JT, but no, I took her to Catherine. I knew she would help us. And I had to see Catherine. I needed to see that she was ok.

I actually agreed a bit with her when she said I couldn't cross that line. Killing her father out of revenge. My human side understood her arguments. I wasn't that keen on the fact that Gabe was planning something though. I don't trust that guy. But I agreed to try what they suggested.

And working with Tori, to track the guy that tried to kill us was amazing. Feeling the power running through my hands, and in to Tori was pretty overwhelming. It felt like I wanted to do that again. We tracked him down, but then things got out of hand again. I was in control, but Tori had to go and kill him. I was furious at her. We needed him alive! And Tori couldn't accept the criticism she got for her actions. And as the stupid jerk I am, my beast lead me to buy into Tori's idea about taking care of Catherine's father. I gave in to the idea that I should become one with my beast. But I don't want that. I want to be human. I want Catherine to once again look at me with love in her eyes. Not with the pain I remember from when she shot me.

And I could have killed her when I jumped the car. But I didn't care at that point. My beast was so filled with revenge. With hatred. I didn't even take the moment to check if Catherine was ok, after the crash. I just ripped Reynolds out of the car, and gave him one hell of a spanking. And I will not regret beating him up like I did. He deserved that.

I just wish that I hadn't crossed that line. The line that forced Catherine to shoot me. I had the chance to stop, but my beast overtook me. But I swear, I will never let the beast get so much control again.

There is nothing that I wouldn't do to get Catherine back in my life. But I doubt I will even see her again. I must take control over my life again. I need to sort out what to do with Tori, and try to pull myself together again. And to do that, I think I need Catherine. But she will not be there for me anymore. I don't deserve it, not after all I have done!


	5. Chapter 5

_**Thanks for all the reviews. You are all to kind. I still have lots of thought swirling in my head about what Vincent is thinking, so I will go on for a while…I plan to watch all the episodes again, and that will make my head swirl even more….**_

I really don't understand my own behavior. I think I'm a pretty intelligent man, after all I am a doctor, even if I don't remember that right now, and you don't get through med school if you are stupid. And yet I act like an idiot. I wonder what Reynolds did to me while I was captured. How could he get so much power over me?

Catherine and JT have told me about how I used to be, and it's clear that Reynolds altered my DNA again, enhancing it. But also taking away some features, like the fast healing. I wouldn't mind having that ability right now. But that's not all. The DNA alteration must have done something to my brain as well. Looking back now, I can't understand how I could ever trust him. And yet I did. I had no sense of danger at all. I just carried out his orders. And I told him about my thoughts, my feelings for Catherine. How could I not sense that something was wrong? I never even met the guy, as far as I know. Never heard his real voice. And still I trusted him.

But I think my beast had some idea about it. It didn't really make sense that I attacked Reynolds like I did. Yes, shaking Tori's hand triggered something, but why would that lead to me attacking Reynolds? The beast must have sensed a threat. And the beast was right.

It is a strange feeling, when the beast does things on his own. Most of my beast actions, I'm aware, I understand them. And then suddenly the beast seems to be a completely separate person. It's like I'm standing beside him, looking at his actions. And this has become more frequent since I met Tori. Suddenly the beast seems to have forgotten how much he cared about Catherine. How he would always listen for her heartbeat. Always protect her. The beast have chosen Tori. But I don't want Tori. And that means that my inner conflict is getting worse. It was hard enough to fight the beast before I met Tori. Now it's almost impossible. But I will fight. I will never give up that fight, I'm not going to let the beast win this battle. I must stay human. I must fight, and show Catherine that I'm not giving up on our love. I will do anything it takes to save our love. I can't live without it.

But I doubt I will ever get a chance to show her that. She will never let me back into her life. Not after what I did. How can I ever make amends for that?

We were doing great. I felt how we connected more and more. And when I was at the hospital, and she told me that she wanted me in her life, I felt so lucky. So happy that she cared about me. And going to the memorial was intense. I felt sorry for all the people that died on that horrible day. And I felt happy about being there with Catherine. She made me feel like I had made some difference. She really knows how to soothe my worries.

After I killed Zach I realized how much she means to me. It's been hard to put words on my feelings for her, but Zach made me see it. And I felt so connected to her. The beast killed that connection when Tori entered my life…

_**Next chapter will be about Vincents thoughts about how Tori affects him.**_


	6. Chapter 6

**No!**

I will not give in to this. I will not let Tori's wishes lead me in any way. If she wants to be a beast full time, it's her choice, but I will not give in to it. I'm not letting her rule my world.

Last night, we took a walk. I had to get some fresh air, after being holed up on the boat, while healing. And Tori came along. Somehow I had no feeling of her doing that because she cared about me. She just wanted to get out.

And we talked. She told me about how her father had caged her, although she didn't realize that at that time. How he cornered her, and didn't let her live a normal life. Lifeguards all around. And she learned that at 1 am, no guard was around, and she could sneak out on the balcony. That was her only tiny piece of freedom. And I took that freedom. I killed her father, and now I live with the aftermath of that. Somehow she became my responsibility. But how can I be responsible for anything concerning her? Thinking about it, I'm not sure I even like her.

Look at what she has accomplished this far. She got in between Catherine and me in Montauk. She made me angry. Fed an anger that I couldn't control. An anger that in the end led Catherine to shoot me. She had no choice. She had to, no matter how much it was killing her.

I put Catherine's life in danger. I attacked her car, she crashed and I didn't even check on her. So I caught the bad guy. But he wasn't the bad guy there. I was.

How did I end up with Tori? It's all so strange. I had my mission, to kill Curt Windsor. And Tori was my way in. And then he came at me, much stronger that I had anticipated, from the intel I had. It shocked me. And then Tori came, and it was obvious that she had never seen her father in that state. I didn't think at all, when I grabbed her from her father's choking grip on her throat. I just acted, and took her with me. Why wasn't I alarmed about my reaction in the woods, when she cried and I hugged her? I should have known that I needed to stay away from her. But it wasn't like I invited her to Montauk. Gabe took her there. And then my reaction to taking her hand. The rage that exploded in me was overwhelming. I just couldn't fight my reaction. And then Reynolds said his ironic comments, and I snapped. I don't understand why I took it out on Reynolds though. Why did I even get mad? So yes, she enhances my beastly powers, but why did it come out as rage then?

I understand why Tori went looking for me. I'm the only one she knows to be a beast. I don't think she knows that Gabe used to be one. So of course she had to come to me. But I hate what she did. My human side fought it, but I just couldn't stop her from kissing me. And I kissed her back. I know it was the beasts doing, but that doesn't make it better. It was an awful thing to do. And I felt disgusted about myself. It didn't really help that Catherine saw the whole thing. And yet she sounded like she could forgive me even for that. But where I stood right then, it was better that she walked away. She didn't know anything about my promise to her father. And none of us knew then that he was my handler. So I made her walk away. I do regret every word I said to her. I hate myself for that. God I hate myself! What an ass I've been. Again, this feels kind of familiar. Have I acted like an ass towards Catherine before?

But it is an amazing feeling when we join forces. The adrenalin rush is so very intense. When I came to her place and triggered the bomb, I had to think quickly. To come up with a solution. And I managed to get Tori to cooperate with me, and it was almost intoxicating when we joined our powers, and managed to get away. And then when we tracked down the guy who did it. That was also mind blowing. The feeling of our powers joining, it really triggered the beast inside. He was delighted. So the beast took a little more command of me. And when Tori told me that we should take care of Reynolds on our own, let the beast take control, that we should give in to what we really are, then the beast really took over. I should never have let it do so. I should never have listened to her. She was wrong, and my human side knew it. But the beast was in control then.

I desperately need to get Tori out of my life. I can't let her lead me in the wrong direction. I must stay mostly human. Because that is the true me, and the man that Catherine once loved. The beast doesn't agree, but I don't care. My human side must stay in control. That is the only chance I have to ever see Catherine again.


	7. Chapter 7

**Once again, thanks for the reviews ****  
This time the chapter will Vincents thoughts about JT.**

JT. My best friend. At least so I'm told, I still don't have any memories of him or our friendship. But my instincts tell me to trust him. And I do. I mean, who have I turned to all the time since they found me in the warehouse? Although I did tranq him the first time we met. I feel really bad about that. There are far too many things I feel bad about.

But somehow I know that he will always be there for me. Ready to help me as much as he can. And he does have a couple of aces up his sleeve… All the things he did for Catherine while I was missing. All the tapping into loads of systems, and he sure knows how to get in without being noticed.

And he doesn't care too much about Gabe either. That is definitely good. We seem to have a lot in common, even if he is a nerdy professor, and I'm an assassin. How I hate to call myself that, but unfortunately that is the cold truth. The awful truth.

He's told me some things from our past. How we lived in an old chemistry plant, when Catherine found us 1.5 years ago. And how I had been looking out for Catherine since I saved her life 9 years before that. And that was also the reason why Catherine could accept me as I was. I say I was, because that is not who I am today. I've been told that that Vincent was humble, caring and understanding. Always looking out for others. That Vincent is gone. But I think that Vincent is still there, buried deep inside. I just don't know how to find him. Maybe JT can help me dig him out. If we can, then I'm bound to remember.

I feel so sorry that I can't remember JT. JT was clearly uncomfortable with me bonding with Zach. I should have trusted him. And I'm angry that Zach so easily could bring back the memory of Gabriella. JT told me about that fling as well. I was almost mad with anger after my brothers died, acted on instinct, and the instinct was to change everything I knew. I couldn't stay where I was, that's when I enlisted, and I cheated on Alex when I had that fling. She never knew anything about it, and once I got to Afghanistan, I sort of buried that memory, and went on with my relation with Alex. Yet another ass behavior from me. I honestly don't understand how anyone can care for a careless, deceiving bastard like me. I can't say I would care about a friend like that. But JT obviously does. And Catherine, until I tried to kill her father…

He has a crush on Tess. It's so cute, he doesn't know how to be around a woman he has a crush on. Too bad Tess doesn't feel the same though. They would make a nice couple. She could need a nerdy professor.

He told me that he had a girlfriend a while ago, Sarah, but I don't know what happened with her, why she isn't around anymore. I need to spend more time with him. Get to know him better.

If he will let me in. He is Catherine's friend as well, and maybe he has also reached the limit of forgiveness towards me. I will just have to go there and find out. I can't stay here. Not with Tori. I'm definitely not regaining my humanity while she is around. And I want to be human again. That's the only way I can make any kind of amends for my actions.


	8. Chapter 8

Why do I even bother? Who am I fooling? I'm the fool here. I can't go on like this. I can't keep trying to avoid my own feelings. Deny them. It's useless. I love Catherine. I can't live without her. If she isn't in my life, I might as well be dead for real.

How the ¤%/#¤ did I end up here? How could I be so stupid? How could I let Tori's effect on me lead me here? She's not worth a single second of my life. Reynolds took my memories away, he brainwashed me, and stole my life with Catherine. But Tori made everything worse.

Catherine and I were doing great. We were progressing, and I was starting to remember things from our past. I felt whole when I was around her. I don't remember everything from our past, but I know how I feel when she is around. She makes me feel like I do have a life, although I don't remember it. She makes me feel alive.

And then Tori came. In conjunction with Reynolds, she destroyed my relation with Catherine. Without Tori, I would never have let the beast take so much control. She even made me call Catherine Cat. That's awful. She is Catherine. I don't know why it's so important, but it is.

Tori is also the reason why Catherine had to shoot me. Thinking back, I can see why she did it. She wanted to protect me. Protect me from letting the beast win. Now that I'm no longer furious, I can see that killing Reynolds in cold blood would have been something that my human side couldn't live with. And Catherine knew that. I gave her no choice. If she hadn't cared for me, she wouldn't have done it.

And no matter how much it hurt, I will love her for doing that. That opened my eyes. Opened my eyes about who I had become. And I don't like that person. That's not who I am. I need to get a hold of my life. Need to get away from Tori, and become a human again.

Tori is here on the houseboat with me. She has nowhere to go, since her flat was blown to smithereens by Reynolds accomplice… But I don't want her near me. I don't even like her. I think I actually hate her. But I also feel sorry for her. She didn't ask for any of this. And she needs me to guide her. I wish I could get Gabe to help her instead. He knows what it's like to be a beast.

I need to get away. I must go to JT, and see if I can stay there. He can help me get back to my old self. He knows who I used to be, and can guide me.

There is nothing I wouldn't do to get Catherine back. I think that this goes deeper than ordinary love. I don't know why, but it does. I have to try to win her back.

I want her back so desperately. In my arms. In my life. In my bed… No, I can't go there. I can't start imagining her in my bed. That would make me run over to her place. To crash myself on her….

Oh….

**Authors note jan 20: I'm going to rewrite this fanfic, only focusing on how I interpret Vincents thoughts throughout this season. Sticking to the storyline. I ventured into a little bit of fantasy, and that doesn't feel right for me. I also plan on doing a similar story about Vincent's thoughts in season one.**

**Hopefully I will have the rewritten version up soon. **


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